What Happened In Those Moments Was Not Ok

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This old gal…

Was never a big hugger…new teacher me envied those seasoned coworkers…who embraced those little student hugs…like it was no big deal…

Growing up…hugs were random…aunts…uncles…grandparents…but in the inner circle…they didn’t happen…didn’t exist…or…maybe they did…but are erased from memory…cuz in the world of little me…the hug…was the enemy…

Four years old…huddled near the wicker hamper…on the bathroom floor…nightgown draping tiny bare feet…little me watched…that mother of mine…sitting on the toilet seat…in the dark…sobbing…wailing…rocking…white tissue clutched…in one hand…

The wailing…peppered with hysterics…about love…about being alone…about needing…a hug…just a hug…all she needed…was a hug…it was the turn of little me that night…to offer comfort…make the sacrifice…give the hug…

Tiny bare feet…tiny cautious steps…inching forward…little arms…pajama cap sleeves pulling over the shoulders with the reach…little child knee…against warm adult leg…the little body leaning forward for the embrace…when hands grasp each tiny upper arm…eyes meet….nose to nose…warm breath on the face…the wailing becomes…

A scream…curdling…animal like…horrific…terrifying…arms dropped…little me runs…to the safety of the bed covers…her blue blankie…her safety net…

Thirty years later…the hug…took on new meaning…with the birth of those daughters of mine…that heart…those arms…opening like a flower…to the sun…the curse broken…by this mother’s desire…to reassure…to comfort…to love…and those little girls of mine…returning it…as if it were the most natural thing in the world…

Because it is…it should be…

Looking back can be hard…painful…cut deep…but with age…and new perspective…it can also be a time to see…and acknowledge…that no matter the issue…what happened in those moments…to little you…was not ok…
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And little me…has come to embrace it…and agree…